Finalsville

So, I am mostly finished with those PhD applications – 11 down, 1 to go – and have been in this place for about a week now.  What I’d kind of forgotten, or maybe overlooked completely, was that on the way out of applicationland there would be a little place called finalsville to get through.  So, that was a mite crazy.  One big huge group project and two exams later, I’ve come out on the other side and am all finished with the semester.  There was some drama yesterday around a departmental decision regarding one of our finals that was reversed a few hours later (I balk at broadcasting institutional dysfunction in a public forum, but comment if you’re interested and I’ll explain via email), so after that emotional roller coaster, I am extra looking forward to having a break.

I never did get around to writing about the courses I took this semester.  Sorry about that, interested parties.  My classes were Counseling Theories and Interventions (my favorite theories are existentialist and constructivist, neither of which were covered in the class, though cognitive and PCT are pretty rad as well), Ethics and Professional Principles in Counseling (in which I learned that the only thing that is completely black and white is that one should not have sex with one’s clients), Psychological Assessment  and Psychological Practicum, which included a 2-hour weekly lecture, the 8-10 hr/week field placement I’ve mentioned, and a 2-hour weekly seminar.  Next semester I’ll be taking a qualitative research methods class, another semester of practicum, Group Counseling, and Personality and Social Development.  In the meantime, I’m going to catch up on television I’ve missed (Dexter and Californication, here I come), spend time with my family and friends, hang with the Moose dog, hope to hear back from schools and try to work my way back to a more normal way of being.

Yeah.  Let’s do this.

Applicationland

So, I have not been posting very frequently at all these days, obviously, and that is because I have not been doing all that much of interest. I read. I write. I stress, and have the occasional brunch. That is pretty much it.

The major focus has been my PhD applications; personal statements, recommendations, transcripts, resumes … applicationland, that is where I’m living lately. I’ve submitted five, which feels really good, but have seven to go. Add to this the fact that it’s the end of the semester with projects coming due and exams on the horizon and oh, how I am tired. Three weeks from now, life will be gravy, but it’s going to be a very nose-to-the-grindystone meantime.

I’ve been taking the occasional break, don’t worry. Tonight, for example (it is after 1:00am as I write this), I napped from 7:00 to 10:30 (this was not really intentional), and on Saturday I watched a several hours of “What Not to Wear” with my roommate, which brings me to the other thing I wanted to talk about.

So I was watching a lot of “What Not to Wear” this weekend, and seeing all these people looking so much better after Nick Arrojo or that new guy worked their magics, I got to thinking that maybe I should cut all my hair off (and by that, just to be clear, I mean “maybe I should have a skilled professional cut all my hair off”).  I’d decided to grow it out some time ago after wearing it short for years, and it had gotten pretty long, but mostly I wasn’t doing anything with it and I was feeling restless and like it was time for a change.

But then I thought about it some more, and reminded myself how long I’d worked to grow it out, and decided that if I had it all cut off, I would probably regret it.  I still needed a hair cut, though, and so I made an appointment at Saturn Club because their prices are so reasonable, and asked the hairdresser to make it an aggressive trim but not too short, and then of course what did she do?  She cut all my dang hair off.

Well, not all of it … but there was much more hair on the floor than there was on my head in the end.  So, most of it.  In principle, I am not happy.  In practice, it dries much more quickly now and, I realize, is probably an improvement over having it long and just pulling it back all the time.

Some folks (i.e. Caroline) have been asking for pictures, so there are some of those below.

You can see the side/back pretty well in this one.

The headband is an extremely necessary style element, let me tell you.  Otherwise it is just hair all over the place.

I find I do best with self portraits when I do not look at the camera.

So, not a disaster.  A distraction, for sure, which is probably a good and healthy thing.  I need to get back into the working groove and stay there for the next few weeks, but these are good things of which to remind myself: my applications will get finished, my hair will grow back, TLC will continue to produce quality reality television programming, and all will be relatively well with the world.

A Poor Excuse for Not Doing My Reading

Every once in a while I will get really good and lost in a song … like, completely sidetracked and consumed.  It’s a happy thing, ultimately, loving music like I do, but it can be a challenge when I’ve things to do that are not listening to the song, and things to think about other than how good it is.

The most recent instance occurred last week.  It started with Taylor Swift, or, more specifically, her musical SNL monologue.  I watched it on that Sunday, and oh it is funny and catchy, and it got stuck in my head pretty obstinately, to the point that it was interfering with my ability to pay attention in class.  Something had to be done.  So, I turned to the Pete Yorn/Scarlett Johanson album Break Up, and you can scoff at me if you want (that is what my roommate is), but whatever man, I really like Pete Yorn, and though I am no so into Scarlett Johanson I will admit that she can sing, and there are some catchy tunes on that album, and catchy is what I needed.  “Wear and Tear” and “Blackie’s Dead” in particular were hooky enough to chase the Taylor Swift tune away, though the more I listened the more I became all about the slower and more serious “I Am the Cosmos.”  Here is their verison, in case you are interested:

So, I did a little poking around and learned that it is a cover of a song by Chris Bell, who was very briefly in Big Star and died young and abruptly, as people sometimes do. So, I tracked down a Big Star version, which I liked a lot, and then found the original and, oh man, that is the song I have been lost in lately.

The lyrics are the same in all the versions, obviously, but the delivery is more sincere and strained in Bell’s version … more believable.  “Every night I tell myself, ‘I am the cosmos, I am the wind’,” the song begins, “but that don’t get you back again.”  The song proceeds longingly and rockingly from there.  If you listen to only one song in this blog entry, make it this one:

It’s a slow burner, for sure … a good song to keep in the wood pile for a winter mix, when the world’s a bit more chilly and desolate. Or to listen to, you know, any old time, over and over and over.

(I Continue to Be) A Fool for Fall

So, that tree outside my bedroom window is coming along rather nicely:

The above picture is from about a week ago, I think. There have since been some cold and un-sunny days, resulting in some more redness and orangeness and yellowness:

Yep, things are just autumnal as hell around here.

While I’m on the subject – i.e. posting pictures of trees that are likely of little interest to anyone other than me – I need to show you a few photos I took when I was out at my parents’ house a few weeks back.  They have this dogwood tree that was just out-of-control colorful.

I could barely stand it.

And then there was this curious bush.  I do not know what it is, but it looks like autumn:

Oh, I’ll be sad when the leaves are gone and it’s wintertime.  The 5:00pm darkness is already getting to me, and we’ve a long haul ahead.  Maybe I’ll have some fall photos printed, blow them up real big like, and hope that they’ll sustain me.

And it would be easier to explain this if

I learned an important lesson the difficult way one morning a few weeks ago when it was very rainy out and I had to go to school, and that lesson was that I should not bike to school when it is very rainy until I acquire some seriously waterproof pants. I don’t have class until noon on Wednesdays but I had a 9:00am meeting that I hadn’t allowed myself enough time to get to traveling by any other means – there is, I suppose, another even more important lesson in there somewhere – and so I had to bike to school, and quickly, and got pretty good and soaked.  Even after sitting through that meeting with wet pants and socks and shoes, I thought that I’d stay on campus and just tough it out and dry off over the course of the day.   The GSE computer lab, though, is considerably draftier than the offices on the third floor where I began my day, and when I caught myself day-dreaming about clothes dryers while trying to do get some work done, I decided to go home to change.

I returned to campus sans bicycle and walked home that night, taking almost the same route I ride.  I have crossed the Spring Garden bridge hundreds of times, and that is not an exaggeration, but don’t think I’d ever done so on foot.  And while I know it runs over I-76, I don’t think I’d ever really processed that or thought about what it would look like.

It looks like this:

The weather’s been better this week and I’ve been back on the bike … a little more, as I mentioned in my last post, than usual due to the SEPTA strike.  I’ve been biking to and from Phila U since the buses aren’t running and, while I do get a fair amount of reading done on the bus and have missed those windows of productivity, I’ve mostly been grateful to have occasion to be out riding the Schuylkill trail on a more regular basis.  I’ve been pretty abysmal at finding times for scenic rides away from traffic, so this has been a nice collision of pleasure and purpose.

On Tuesday afternoon it was particularly beautiful, riding home around 2:00 in the afternoon with the sun hitting the trees just so, in wide rays from behind clouds.  At one point I came around a bend and the bright fall colors and sunlight as seen from the other side of a bridge were really especially striking.

This is what it looked like, except even prettier, if you can imagine:

The sun shining on the water bounced back upward and lit the underside of the bridge.

There is kind of a theme to this entry, some words that pop into my head sometimes (and I realize this is a thing I write or say a lot; this is how my brain works, serving things up in fragments) that one can find at the end of a certain David Berman poem, which goes:

I walked out to the hill behind our house
which looks positively Alaskan today
and it would be easier to explain this
if I had a picture to show you
but I was with our young dog
and he was running through the tall grass
like running through the tall grass
is all of life together…

To quote any more would be to ruin it for you (go read it), and anyway my point is just that I am glad to have encountered some sights in the course of my day-to-day of late that have lifted me out of my head and reminded me of the world outside, reminded me that I can still see new things in this city and enjoy familiar sights in a new light.  And it’s a lot easier to explain this / because I have some pictures to show you. : )

So, here’s to breaking patterns, getting around in other-than-the-usual ways, and the things one can find in the process.

Indecision Central

So, with this SEPTA strike happening I’ve been biking a lot more, i.e. 20 extra miles this week – five miles either way, two times – to and from my practicum site in East Falls.  It’s an office where one has to look presentable (unlike my former uber-casual workplace) and a harder ride than I’m used to (mostly the mile-long hill at the end), so I’ve been riding in exercise-y apparel and packing a full change of clothes.  So, I was getting myself together last Thursday, working on the minor feat of fitting trousers, a camisole, a sweater, socks, a bra and high-heeled shoes into my little messenger bag along with my wallet and camera and the other things I bring everywhere, when I realized something … something that has slowly been dawning on me since I started school a few months ago and started carrying many more things around that I’ve needed to in the past, which is that I could really use a bigger biking bag.

So, I’ve been spending a lot of time on the Timbuk2 website these past few days. They made the bag I have now, which is going on eight years old and is still in great shape aside from the fact that it is filthy, which is my fault, so I’m inclined to stick with them.  The reason for spending all the time is that they let you design your own bag with custom colors and what have you.  This, of course, constitutes a minor disaster in my world.  A disaster of spending time agonizing over various color combinations when there are many other things I need to be doing.  But I mean, I might have this bag for eight years.  This is important.

So, internet, here are the designs I’m considering (and some I’m not really considering).  I would appreciate your input on this matter.

I started out with a lavender-silver-blue fog combo:

but worried that with all the light colors, it would get egregiously dirty kind of quickly.

Then I swapped out the light blue for a navy:

and then I swapped out the lavender for a brown that is made of reflective fabric for added safety hooray:

But then felt like I was staying too close to the bag I already have, which is silver and navy and a mint green they don’t seem to carry as a fabric option anymore.  In the interest of doing something different, I went back to the drawing board.

I really like the combination of light blue and dark brown in general, and think it looks alright in messenger bag form:

Though maybe I should go way bold:

rock some primary colors:

or keep it cool:

or be mad neutral:

I could be all Irish in everyone’s face:

or girl-y it up:

and did I mention that there are patterned fabrics?

It is just indecision central over there, though I will say that seeing these designs all together has been helpful.  I may be leaning toward the red-gold-organge combo, surprisingly enough, and, though I put it together to be silly, like the green-white-orange bag quite a bit too.  And the brown one.  And the textured one.  Sigh.

So, hello, reader, what do you think?  Please also feel free to build a contender of your own to share … because what I need, clearly, are more options.

ETA: Thank you to those of you who offered input!  I ended up going with a variation on the “way bold” option above, with an organge logo on the red and a panel of reflective orange fabric on the right.  I found myself smiling every time I looked at it, though it’s a departure from my usual style.  I’ll post some photos when it arrives!

A Fall Favorite

There is a certain kind of tree that I just adore this time of year, and I don’t know what it’s called even though it’s been my super favorite for some time, but anyway, the reason I like it so is that its leaves turn all the colors instead of just yellow or just brown, and they do so gradually, so what you get, in the time before the leaves all fall off, is this gorgeous rainbow-colored tree. And so, imagine my delight upon moving into my current apartment when I realized that a specimen of this species was right outside my window.

This was the view earlier today, an autumn treat:

All that remaining green means there’s much more color to come.  I’m excited.

Guerrilla Good Will

In the first-floor women’s bathroom in the nursing building at Penn, which is where my Assessment class is held for some reason, there is the nicest graffiti carved into the paint on the wall: the word “dreamer” all in caps and large, a command to be oneself and love oneself, the last two lines of an e. e. cummings poem that’s a favorite of mine.

One night last week, I was looking across the Delaware from that raised walkway off South Street, and saw “Remember to Be Awesome” written on the concrete of the enclosure.

I was on my way to my practicum site at Phila U last Thursday, and I got off the bus and crossed Schoolhouse Lane walking along Henry Ave., and this is what I saw:

and I just want to say thank you to these people and to others who put positive things in surprising and public places, without an agenda to promote or a product to market.  It’s vandalism, sure, but it can really pick a person up when said person is feeling down or frustrated or extremely stressed out about life.

It’s been a busy month, but also not nearly busy enough, as there is much I need to do between now and December 1st on my PhD applications.  I finally have a list of schools (there are twelve of them) and now it’s a lot of logistical juggling … transcripts, test scores, recommendations, data forms, statements, updated resumes.  This is not surprising – I have been in the business of advising applicants to graduate programs for years – but the reality is nonetheless a challenge.  I spent several hours last night just getting my undergraduate transcripts in order, whereas the major project for today is packets for recommenders.  I’ve been thinking about a personal statement and circling in on the core of my message and what I care about (i.e. meaning, identity, direction), but I’m not quite there yet, but I need to be there soon.

And then, of course, there’s school and my field placement and oh so many group projects.  Let’s not talk about group projects; this is a public blog.  Hello, PhD admissions committee members who might find this, I love group projects!  Collaboration!  Whoo!

So, yeah, it’s a crazy time.  I’ll get through it, though, with a little help from my friends, and from the anonymous strangers who are out there writing some good will into the world.

Playlist Project: Songs for Fall

So, I had an idea some time ago that I would periodically put together playlists around a certain theme or set of rules. It was going to be great fun.  Months later, I have four half-finished mixes and a long list of ideas written on an index card that keeps getting lost and resurfacing.  Life got busy.

Once the weather started changing, though, I started putting a mix together in my head without even realizing it.  There are some songs that just sound like autumn, and I would hear them and make a mental note that yes, this is a song for fall.  Things begin to get chillier and maybe a little more reflective, but there’s still a lot of life about.  Winter songs burrow deep and burn slowly … fall rocks right on, though maybe does so in a minor key.

So, no strict rules or guidelines this time around, except for a twelve song limit.  Some happen to mention certain months or seasons, but that wasn’t part of the plan.  These songs are just how autumn sounds, popping into my head unbidden while I’m walking or biking around, feeling the cooler air, looking at the changing leaves.

Songs for Fall
01. Holding Back the Year (Lou Barlow)
02. Poses (Rufus Wainwright)
03. Walking for Two Hours (The Twilight Sad)
04. Drink to Me Babe, Then (A.C. Newman)
05. Halloween (matt pond PA)
06. Young Bride (Midlake)
07. The Wild Kindness (Silver Jews)
08. Ghost Under Rocks (Ra Ra Riot)
09. Tightly (Neko Case)
10. Skinny Love (Bon Iver)
11. Mr. November (The National)
12. Light Leaves (WHY?)

You can listen to the entire mix over at blip.fm (imeem did not have “Walking for Two Hours” and lala did not have the Midlake song, what the hell?).

How does fall sound to you?

AK Has a Crush on Yoni Wolf, Pass It On

I have been waiting for days to write this blog entry, having had to first attend to school work and having the tiniest bit of a social life, and I have been listening to WHY? pretty much nonstop during that time.  And I’ve been sinking deeper and deeper into the music, falling more and more in love with Yoni Wolf’s freakin’ off-the-wall talent.  This shouldn’t surprise you.  I have written about his music before.

Anyway, so, I saw WHY? last Friday.  It had been some time since I’d been to a show in the First Church basement, or to an all ages show at all.  I have reached a point in my life at which 21-year-olds look like very young people, so being surrounded by pretty hip 17-year-olds drinking surprisingly acceptable beer out of brown paper bags was a bit of a trip.  They were gung-ho, too.  I’m usually able to scoot up to the front of a show, but not this time.  These kids arrived early and waited in line and packed themselves oh so tightly around the stage.

It’s also been a while since I’ve felt the heat of so many bodies.  I was standing over to the side of the room near an open door and the warmth of the crowd still reached me in waves, until the band took the stage and people closed in on all sides and I was enveloped.

The thing I most dislike about the church basement as a concert venue is that the lighting is absolute crap and it is impossible to take an ok picture.

I have a pretty good track record of getting pretty near to dudes whose work I adore – I have stood within 10 feet of Craig Finn, Matt Berninger and Will Sheff, to name some of my most most favorites – and was bummed that I was still so far away on this occasion. The area immediately in front of the stage got a little squishy/moshy at some points, though, so maybe this was for the best.

At any rate, the show was pretty good.  The last time I saw them, Yoni played keys and maybe also guitar, but this time he brought more backing musicians and was just on vocals, which, I think, made for a more dynamic performance.  They started things off with “The Hollows,” an opening selection of which I heartily approved, moved right into “January Twenty Something” and continued with a mix of songs from Alopecia and Eskimo Snow.  “Rubber Traits” and “Gemini (Birthday Song)” off Elephant Eyelash, which has become my favorite of their albums, were both a treat.  I was jazzed that they slipped the 44-second “Twenty Eight” in at the very end of the set; “Tell me, are you single yet? My heart’s as big as Texas” is one of my favorite of song openings.

The biggest hole in the setlist for me was the absence of “Fatalist Palmistry.”  It’s certainly the most straight pop of their songs and a bit more upbeat than average, lyricwise, so I get that it might not have fit into the mix, but its omission was a minor bummer nonetheless. I’d've also really liked to have heard “Against Me,” my current fave off the new album.

I’ve been thinking about why I like WHY? so well, and have settled on the following reasons.

The songs are just packed with imagery.  They evoke.  For example, the lines from one of the aforementioned songs “there was a moth caught in the soapdish laminated in lye / Will (will) you still (you still) remember me well (remember me)?” It’s not all pleasant things you see and hear, but I mean, that’s life.

The other big thing is that the words and sentiment just seem real.  The content ranges from uncomfortable (e.g. “Good Friday“) and creepy (e.g. “Simeon’s Dilemma“) to exuberant (“Fatalist Palmistry”) and sweet (“Simeon’s Dilemma” again … complex!).  The song “Act Five” really gets in your face – “There is no grace in act five / only the nerves, insect-like twitches / involuntary bowel movements, and confusion / a snail in salt doesn’t fall asleep / with a half-smile, like grandma from the after-school special” – and speaks truth.

Wolf also manages to be consistently winningly self-effacing, “playing the wall at singles bingo” in “The Vowels, Pt. 2,” for instance, or the repeated “You know my build, you know my size / the degree to which my eyes are astigmatic” at the end of “Gemini (Birthday Song).”  I have a soft spot for writers who are confident enough that they make smile while putting themselves down.

So, yes, I like WHY?  Let it also be known that the reason I’m linking to songs like crazy is that I keep telling people that Yoni Wolf is so talented oh my god I can’t take it, but have thus far been unable to explain what I mean by that.  So, listen, if you will, and see for yourselves.